Your face is a jimmy john
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
