i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my shit smells like andre
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Randomize
