Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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