my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
