What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
