im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
