Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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