In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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