I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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