i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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