I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i drank out of a bidet.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
