I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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