This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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