You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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