i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
