life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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