You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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