i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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