I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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