apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
