you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
