Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
