to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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