I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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