I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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