woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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