She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
