So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
