my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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