please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
