I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
