its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
