Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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