when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just invented taco cereal.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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