I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
