i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
