the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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