At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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