Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
