Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
