Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
