hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
