I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's never too late to be topless.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
