My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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