I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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