we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
