sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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