Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
