you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
