i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
