I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
