yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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