cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
